Yesterday was a hard day for me. I was challenged by many of my downfalls and could feel myself starting to get anxious about everything. We started talking about transition and starting out on the field. Someone asked how we will know if we’re doing things right and all of a sudden a sheet of dread just closed in on me. I like order, I like routine – and although I like to be spontaneous, it’s only when I’m in control of the adventure. This adventure is one that is out of my control for the most part, and in God’s hands. My mind tells me that is a good thing, but my stomach did flips.

How am I going to know if I’m doing a good job? How am I going to build routine? Will I have enough stuff to do during language training that will give my life purpose? Am I ACTUALLY a people person, or is that just what I’m expected to be? I feel panicked at the mere thought of trying to build relationships in France….does that mean I’m going to fail as a missionary?

We also talked about support raising. There are so many rules. I feel like I can do nothing but wrong things – it seems weird that we have to jump through hoops in order to get the church to support doing God’s work through us. I mean, I’m not saying anything about the church, because, honestly, I usually have to be VERY impressed with a missionary, or organization in order to give my money. It takes something emotional and something convicting for me to even part from $32/month for my compassion child. I’m definitely one of the culprits.

Lord, please calm me – give me a peace that passes all understanding and help me to realize that You are the almighty God and you already know who is going to partner with us, who is going to pray for us, and through You, we will succeed. I give this all to you, Lord – work through me. As Your Word says, we are only servants, and we plant and we water, but only you can make things grow. This is not about me or my ability, but about Your strength working through me. God, give me clarity to start today strong and learn more about serving You. Amen.